What Kind of Love?

The current debates going on among believers regarding both abortion rights and the SCOTUS decision regarding same-sex marriage remind me of my years as counselor to parents attempting to discover the most effective parenting style with which to approach their children.

Granted, many of the debaters on both sides of these issues remind me of the authoritarian parents I would meet in my counseling office: headstrong, opinionated, demanding, sometimes abusive, militant, loud, and at least bordering on violent.  Even when those parents produced compliance, it usually was with a price: deep, long-lasting wounds residing in the child's heart.  Many of the yellers and screamers on both sides of these issues remind me of those kinds of parents.  Even if they get what they are wanting, the wounds remaining will taint the "victory".

Most, of the argumentation, however, I think, falls into a debate as to what kind of love will give Jesus the victory in the midst of all of this.  Both want to see Jesus win.  Both realize that the authoritarian approach is NOT- nor will it ever be- the answer.  However, even removing authoritarianism from the table, the debate remains rather intense.

One group feels that a permissive approach to these issues and the people involved is the best way to win one for Jesus in the ongoing dialogue.  A permissive parent, in my old counseling days would do anything- ANYTHING- to protect his child from ANY form of challenge or correction that might do him harm.  Hovering over the child like a helicopter, they would attack anyone who might utter what they perceived to be a negative word to "Little Joey"- teachers, coaches, neighbors, friends, other kids' parents- no one was off limits.  To "Little Joey", however, these parents never uttered a corrective word- not one- for fear that they might do harm to his "Little Self-Esteem".  So "Little Joey" grew up "loved" by these parent's definition.  By the way, I usually saw these parents in my counseling office about the time "Little Joey" turned 15, and as I listened to their description of their life-long parenting style with "Little Joey" and then heard what all trouble Joey was in at that moment, I wanted so badly to mimic Dr. Phil and ask, "So, how'd that work out for you?"  But I didn't.  I cared too much for them to say something like that.  But, it was obvious to both them and me, that permissive parenting had NOT worked as beautifully as they'd hoped.

Some arguing that love is the answer to both the abortion issue and the SCOTUS decision SEEM to be advocating a permissive style of love.  Perhaps they are NOT meaning to come across like that.  AND, it must be noted, that to an authoritarian parent, authoritative parenting appears to be permissive; whereas to a permissive parent, authoritative parenting appears to be authoritarian.  SO, genuine authoritative love- which is the type of love I personally feel is the answer to today's crises- gets lost in the rhetoric because it gets bad press from BOTH extremes.

These permissive love advocates (or so they at times seem) appear to be protectively hovering over both Planned Parenthood and LGBT proponents to protect them from the ravages of militant Christendom.  That's understandable IF it is truly authoritarian (militant) Christendom they are attempting to protect them from.  But to ALL Christians, they SEEM to be saying "Just shut up about all of this!  These poor souls have been hurt enough by us Christians through the centuries (perhaps some truth to that: burned clinics, gay bashing) and we need to protect their delicate sensibilities at this point by remaining silent and allowing them to see Jesus in us."   So, these folks hover over those involved in abortions and same-sex marriages like helicopters, attempting to protect them from "mean old" Christians who would dare say one negative word regarding their behavioral choices.  No authoritative love advocate in America would disagree with that goal: let's allow them to see Jesus in us.  The only question is how best to do that.

As I've said, I personally believe that an authoritative love (as opposed to an authoritarian love or a permissive love) is the only type of love that will EVER allow Jesus to come out the real winner in all of this.  What were authoritative parents like?  Well, I seldom saw them in my office because their style of parenting was working for them. So I had to observe them and their interaction with their kids.  It usually looked like this.  There was a LOT of love- visible, obvious, unselfish, vulnerable love at its best- laughter, tears, hugging, playing, encouraging.  BUT, there were those moments when  warnings were called for, and, when those moments occurred, warnings were given- unashamedly given for the good of the child.  And there were those moments when responsibility on the part of the child was expected, when parameters were set, when consequences for violations were allowed, when corrective measures were taken, when disciplines were administered.  Healthy boundaries, set in the context of genuine love seems to work well in the area of parenting.  I can't understand why that kind of love might not work well in dealing with issues such as those on the political table in America today.

Yet, the hue and cry, even among many young Christians today seems to be a cry that permissive love is the only love that will win the world for Jesus.  So, the University system in California now has on its application six possible choices for sex of its applicant- 6!  The two choices (male and female) of old no longer suffice.  And, just in case they might have missed anyone, one choice is OTHER.  AND same-sex restrooms and changing rooms are being mandated in that university system now to accommodate LGBT concerns.  That's the problem with permissive love.  It quickly licenses what looks a lot like insanity, be it in child rearing or in attempting to employ only permissive love throughout society in order to allow Jesus to be seen.

I am an advocate for love- not war!  I believe there's been more than enough militant rhetoric on both sides of all of these issues to last a lifetime.  BUT, when I speak of love, I'm talking about a love so profound, so deep, so vulnerable, so honest, so genuine, that both sides can understand that, yes, warnings will be given, expectations of acceptable behavior will be voiced (by both sides), corrections can be recommended in the context of genuine concern, responsibilities can be imposed for the good of all, and common decency, humility, and responsibility can be expected to be a part of the moral and ethical maturity which is necessary to keep any nation afloat.  I think that as long as many Christians hover like helicopters over both same-sex and abortion proponents to protect them from their fellow Christians who, in deepest love, have things to say that might be good to be heard, Jesus will NOT come out the winner in all of this- even if we fool ourselves into thinking that he has. When the "Little Joey" of today, becomes age 15, I'm afraid we'll realize that authoritative love may well have been the better choice.