4/30

Much of the anger in our homes has as much to do with timing as it does with issue.  We drop something heavy on each other just before we head off to work in the morning or immediately upon arrival at home in the afternoon, and then we either steam all day about it or else the evening sinks quickly into cold silence.

So, let's take some advice I heard Dr. Paul Faulkner give decades ago, and work on that, shall we?

Let's designate four thirty minute periods of our day as "sacred", meaning that we promise that we as a couple/family will refuse to allow ourselves to lay anything heavy or negative on each other during these four thirty minute sacred spaces.  Here are the Four Sacred Times: the first thirty minutes after we arise in the morning, the last thirty minutes before we go off to work/school, (By the way, in too many American families, these are the same thirty minutes- in other words, we are creating our own stress by how late we get up each morning.  By the time our feet hit the floor, we are already in a hurry, running, rushing, grabbing a quick Pop-Tart, irritated at ourselves and taking it out on each other.  We need to set the alarm a little earlier and hit the snooze button a little less!), the first thirty minutes home from work/school, and the last thirty minutes before we go to bed.  That two hours of each day should be reserved for positive, healthy conversation only.

Some might argue, "Well, that wouldn't leave any time for fussing."  My answer, "Would that be so bad?"  And besides, we would still find the time to discuss those heavy things that need discussing.  I know because I've had hundreds of clients over the years who have practiced this discipline successfully and have come back to thank me for suggesting it.  I always say, "Thank Paul Faulkner.  He's the guy who taught it to me"  Thanks, Paul.  Not just for this, but for all you and Carl Brecheen have done over the years to help Joan and me get to Anniversary #47 next Tuesday, June 4th.  We couldn't have done it without you.

93/7

Is intense anger ever a problem in your home/family?  You might remind yourself of this: only 7% of any attempt at communication is comprised of the words themselves.  The other 93% is comprised of : our tonal quality, our decibel level, our facial expression, our body language, and our gestures.  Don't believe it?  Try this experiment:  Walk up to your sweet little puppy and say, "I sure do love you."  BUT, here's the catch:  wrinkle your brow,  shake your fist, deepen your voice to a growl, and scream at the top of your lungs: "ROVER, I SURE DO LUUUUV YOU!!!!!"  What's Rover going to do?  What any sweet puppy in his right mind would do in those circumstances: tuck tail and run.  OR, growl back real good, bearing his teeth, if his fears really take over.

You see, here's the problem: when we're embroiled in a heated discussion with a family member, what we're hoping for is light.  We want the light bulb to go on in our family member's head so that they will see things with the same clarity with which we see things, BUT when we yell and scream at each other, we get so much heat that light becomes impossible.  We had a bad day at work or school so we naturally take it out on those we love the very most- after all, they won't leave us- or will they?

SO, let's stop yelling and screaming at each other in our homes- what do you say?  And while we're at it, let's avoid ego attacks at all costs and replace "YOU" accusations with "I" statements.  Do those things and we just might be on the road to restoring family to the safe haven that it once had the reputation of being.  Wouldn't that be something?  

FORGIVING

Refusing to forgive another for hurting me is like drinking poison and expecting my "enemy" to die.  Forgiving that person, on the other hand, is simply letting go and letting God deal with that person as He chooses.  God bought that right when He forgave me.  So, I give up what I thought was my "right" to hold onto a grudge to the only One who actually owns that right.  I give up my "right" to hurt you for hurting me.  In such release lies genuine freedom.

Forgiveness is NOT amnesia.  preachers who say, "Forgive and forget," don't have a clue.  You'll never completely forget the offense against you.  Joseph hadn't forgotten his brothers' infractions.  But he'd most certainly forgiven them.  He treated them as though they had never hurt him.  Even the Holy Spirit had not forgotten David's "matter with Uriah the Hittite" hundreds of years after it's occurrence.  Yet, that same Holy Spirit calls David a man after God's own heart.

Forgiveness is practicing purposefully selective memory.  I have a "booklet" in my mind entitled "How to Ride a Bicycle".  It's on the fifth floor, far corner, top shelf, collecting dust and cobwebs.  I have another book entitled Ways Folks Have Hurt Me.  It needs to be up there on the fifth floor with the bicycle booklet.  BUT, too frequently in my life, that insidious volume lies open on the table right at the front door of the library of my mind, dog-eared, highlighted, underlined, read and re-read multiple times each day.  How will I ever heal, if I continue to pour over the pages of this horror story?  I MUST choose to let it go.

Forgiveness is NOT stamping an approval upon what the other person has done to me.  It will not always result in an immediate restoration of the relationship to its former state.  If one of my daughters had ever dated an abusive young man, I could, by God's grace have forgiven him.  I could NOT, nor would I have ever encouraged my daughter to date him again.  NEVER.

Forgiveness is, in its simplest terms, refusing my tendency to play God.  He is Judge.  I am not.  He settles the score, here or hereafter.  I cannot.  He is God. I am most certainly not.  It helps to remind myself of that, especially when someone has hurt me.

GRACE

Grace is the air that is breathed by every believer.  It is the breathing tube extended from heaven to us as we are buried under the rubble of a fallen world.  It is the oxygen mask placed by God upon our face as we lie in spiritual ICU, racked by the worries, cares and stressors of our daily lives.  It is the refreshing breeze of the Spirit as we walk and talk with Him in the cool of the day.  It is the winter chill that engulfs our souls as our hearts break with the things that break His heart.  It is the summer wind that allows us to set sail on the incredible journey He has designed for us to enjoy.  It is the spring storm that reminds us of our reliance upon Him.  It is the still small voice that whispers His love song in our ears.  Whatever else life is, it is all of grace.  Amazing Grace!  How sweet the sound! 

The Altar of PC

I have been dealing with political correctness most of my adult life.  Granted, most of my dealings have been with pc in a church setting because that was the calling I heard from God almost a half century ago.  How frequently I found myself speaking out on topics that simply were not to be addressed in the "product-of-the-fifties" church.  Churches were not to have fellowship halls.  I spoke out.  Women were not to wear pants to church services.  I spoke out.  We at times seemed swelled with the pride of "We're the only ones going to heaven".  I spoke out.  I spoke out concerning what I perceived to be maltreatment of divorced people.  I tried to say, God hates divorce because it hurts people and he loves people- so let's stop behaving as though God hates divorced people.

I spoke out concerning a few items that my study had caused me to conclude are NOT salvation issues when VERY few were speaking out on those issues.  I begged us to be more loving to folks like Pat Boone when his practice of certain spiritual gifts prompted ostracism from many in our fellowship.  When it was not pc to suggest that certain gifts should not be relegated to first century only, I spoke out.  I spoke out.  But I never stopped loving the people- especially those who disagreed with me.  In fact, to this day, those very folks are among the ones that I hold in highest regard and have the deepest love for- and among those I expect to be greeted by in heaven some day.

I know political correctness.  And, quite frankly, I've lived much of my adult life lovingly, but firmly standing against the paralyzing nature of this insidious, crippling monster within the church.  Many in today's younger generation carry that torch as well and I applaud them for their efforts.  I. too, think we as Christians should walk the walk in a "post-Christian" world (whatever that means).  For years, I've said, "I sought myself, my self I could not see.  I sought my God, my God alluded me.  I sought my brother and found all three."  We need to live lives of service.  I applaud the calls to that kind of life by today's "rebels".

BUT, I am beleaguered.  In my day, as I was speaking out about what I perceived to be abuses in the church, I was also allowed to speak out about what seemed to be societal sin that needed to be addressed.  I did not do so with religious nastiness of spirit, but with the same loving firmness with which I addressed internal issues.  Now there is a new "god" in town- one that did not exist in the sixties- the god of Political Correctness.  I use upper case for it, not because it is necessarily worse than the old church politics, but because it has been allowed to become so all-pervasive, so all-encompassing.  In many ways, PC has come to control our lives today and I have always thought and preached that only God deserves that position in our lives. 

According to PC, there are a few "sins" (although a different word should probably be used) which are ok to address.  Corporate greed and corruption.  Failure to reach out to the poor, suffering, and disenfranchised.  Preach on, brothers!  I'm with you on those.  BUT, there's a whole list of topics that one simply should not address.  For example, if I share the true story of the doctor who advised Joan and me to abort our third child, and I then go on to speak of the lives she has blessed because we chose life, I have automatically "crossed the line".  I am being political.  No I'm not!  Now I realize that perhaps the religious right can be blamed for turning these topics into political issues as opposed to the spiritual/moral/ethical category that they had formerly been assigned to.  However, the problem is that no one wants to address any of these issues any more.  And when one dares to try, he is automatically labeled dogmatic, militant, mean-spirited, pharisaical, no matter how loving his spirit may be in attempting to promote thought on any of these subjects.

And the problem becomes that, in the name of behaving like the Prince of Peace, we default to acquiescence. And Jesus, while loving folks deeply, did not acquiesce.  He loved the woman at the well with a genuine love that surpassed the ways she had ever been "loved" by any of the men who had used her, abused her, and thrown her away, yet he brought her to a place of confronting her tendency to find her meaning in men rather than in God.  He said to the woman taken in adultery, "Neither do i condemn you."  But he also said, "Go and sin no more."  Love was his approach.  But acquiescence wasn't.  He called sin, sin.  Not in harsh terms, except to the religiously prideful, but in direct terms, nonetheless. We seem today to be kneeling at the altar of PC to such a degree that we are becoming absolutely paralyzed to even dare to mention anything that causes us concern in society unless it is on the "approved list" of "sins" (corporate greed, ignoring the hurting, environmental thoughtlessness, etc). 

So, our grandkid's school gets taken to court for allowing the word God in a school program because one student's parents were offended, and we are expected to acquiesce.  A physician is convicted of murder for snipping the spinal chord of a baby, surviving an abortion, and we are not supposed to ask, would it have been murder had it occurred just moments and a few inches sooner while the baby was still in the mother's womb?  That question is "inappropriate".  It shows a disdain for the woman involved.  No, it doesn't.  I've tenderly cared for dozens of post-abortion PTSD young ladies in my counseling practice.  I have LOTS of concern for the ladies involved.  Yet, if I address the baby involved, my motives are automatically questioned and I'm labeled a dogmatic "right winger".  I've chosen here to address only one of the many "politically off-limits" topics- you know what some of the others are without my mentioning them.

Here's my concern?  How can things get any better, if we're all forbidden from speaking out?  How would things be in the church today if some of us had not dared to speak out concerning perceived abuses?  What makes today's societal woes any different? I would say to those younger, "By all means continue to address abuse within the church. But don't stop loving your brothers and sisters who may or may not agree with you. AND, be very careful about bowing at the altar of societal PC.  No one deserves such allegiance but Yahweh."    

I'm sure glad it's alright to ask "Why?" at times like this.  Because the tragic death of so many children causes that question to rattle around inside the head of this old grandpa.  But Job asked why.  And so did David.  And even Jesus asked why- "My God, my God, WHY have you forsaken me?"  So, I'll not allow myself to feel guilty for asking it.  I guess as long as we live in a war-torn, disease-ravaged, catatrophe-prone world, we will be asking that question occasionally.  This is one of those times.

And I realize that some folks at such times as these shake their fists at the heavens saying basically, "I could do a better job of running this world than Whoever may/or may not be out there!"  I can't do that.  At these kinds of times, I desperately need to be able to spend time with Someone- a Father- One who understands what it's like to see a son- an only son- die.  AND I desperately need to believe that those babies, those precious children, were able to run right into a pair of big, strong, loving arms for a warm embrace at the very instant they needed it most.  And if I allow such times as these to cause me to sacrifice my faith on the altar of suffering, I lose not only the children- I lose everything.

So, even without answers to the why questions, I choose to remain close to the Eternal Who who promises never to leave us or forsake us- Who pledges to meet us precisely at the point of our deepest sorrow- Who says that He will catch our tears in His jar.  Calvary screams that He meets us in moments of most intense suffering.  The Empty Tomb shouts that this disease-ravaged, war-torn, catastrophe-prone world is not home.  Lord, I believe.  Please help my unbelief.  Come Lord Jesus!

After being most impressed with America's churches and educational institutions, de Tocqueville said, "America is great because America is good.  If America ever ceases to be good, she will cease to be great."  Let's see, how's that working for us?  A doctor, trained to save lives, is convicted of murdering babies by "snipping" their spinal cords, while joking about how large the babies are, and spokespersons for one of America's most highly touted organizations rejoices that women will now be safe from doctors like him- NO MENTION OF THE BABIES.  One of our embassies is attacked and ambassadors killed, politically motivated untruths are told and the question is asked, "What difference does it make?"
Americans who dare have a desire to help people better understand the constitution and the bill of rights are targeted by the IRS.  And their leaders admit, "Yes, we did."  A major news agency has its telephone conversation records targeted for monitoring by the government, and our leaders say, "It was justified."
"America is great because America is good.  If America ever ceases to be good, she will cease to be great."  HELLO!!