FALLING DOWN

This is one of those things that, hopefully, you will go a lifetime without EVER needing to employ.  It is ONLY for those times when anger is very obviously about to "take over"- yelling, personal attacks, on the verge of throwing things.  I owe this suggestion, too, to Dr. Paul Faulkner.

When you sense that the anger curve is about to spiral out of control, one of you- it doesn't matter which one- fall out on the floor, limp as a dishrag- wherever you are (You'll only do it in public once- from then on, you'll reserve your spats to the house!).  Now, the other person walks over and lies down on the floor, too- head-to-head with the first person.  Get the picture?  You now have two grown adults lying on the floor, head-to-head, looking at the ceiling, arms outstretched.  NOW, pick up the disagreement wherever you left it when the first one fell to the ground and continue hashing it out (No ego attacks- see previous posts!) and talk it through until both of you feel comfortable getting up.  That's it.  "But, what will the kids think?"  Well, I hope you're not guilty of having arguments with that sort of intensity in front of your kids; however, if you are and you fall down, they'll LOVE it.  They'll be asking you about it, lying beside you, crawling on top of you, and, whatever they do, they'll be SO much more comfortable than they were when things were so intense that they wondered if you were both about to kill each other.

This works when needed for two reasons: it provides a "cooling down" moment.  It's hard to remain as intense as you were when your spouse has just fallen to the floor.  And, when you're "doing battle" you're wanting to see the whites of the "enemy's" eyes.  (In such intense arguments, you're treating your mate like an enemy because you're trying to "win".  Two things to remember at such times: the only enemy is Satan- the one who's wanting to devastate your relationship- are you going to let him win?  And, in these kinds of intense arguments, when one of you "wins", both lose.)  You don't need to see the whites of their eyes.  And falling on the floor allows you to hash things out, without trying to see when you "score a victory", so you both concentrate better on a solution rather than a "win".

More than thirty years ago, I had a couple come for counseling who had gotten into such a fight that they had actually thrown things at each other.  I suggested this exercise because, quite frankly, at that time, it was about the only suggestion I had in my "tool kit".  I saw the couple a few years ago- thirty years of marriage, grown kids, grandkids on the way, elder in the church.  They thanked me for the "falling down" recommendation.  They said that they'd only had to employ it a very few times in three decades, but just knowing they had it as a possibility, helped them keep their disagreements on a healthier level than they had sunk to prior to coming to see me.  SO, it works IF you ever need it.  Hopefully, you never will.